Welcome to Relationships Turned On.
I'm your host, Laura Press, Marriage and Relationship Counsellor.
I believe relationships can be fixed and you deserve to have a connected and loving relationship. I give you the tools, strategies and insights so you can have a world-class relationship.
Welcome to this episode of Relationships Turned On. Such a good episode coming your way, all about how men can really make a difference in their lives.
Such a good episode coming your way, all about how men can hold space for their women in relationships. Now, just to be clear, women, you can do this for men, but more often than not, this is how it goes. The men are the ones needing to hold space. And I'll explain how this works and why this works in a moment.
Quick disclaimer, this is for entertainment and educational purposes only and should not be considered medical or mental health advice of any kind.
Okay, what do I mean by holding space? Let's start here.
Holding space is where you are literally there, you're fully present with your partner and you are listening to them. Here are the key caveats. You are not offering nor providing solutions. You are just there listening, nodding, empathizing, maybe repeating back what you've heard. That is all. Now, this can be a very big struggle for most men because most men think, well, you're telling me this because it's a problem and you want me to solve it. Right. Definitely not always the case with women. More often than not, women are telling you because this is what women do.
Tony Robbins calls it the Meadow Report, where women will go out, they used to go out in the meadow and they'd go and they'd see this thing and this tree and this bush with berries on it and they'd see all these things and they would come home and report every little bit of details that has ever gone on while they were out in the meadows. Whereas the men, they would go out hunting, they would come back and they'd go, I got two deer, two foxes, whatever it is. And that was their report, right? It was straight to the point, it was succinct, it gave the underlying, this is what happened.
But they didn't tell you that, you know, well, they went to shoot at three or four things and missed four things and then saw this and saw that. No, men don't do that. They give you the headlines, they give you the bullet points. Now, of course, I'm generally speaking, sometimes this can be flipped and reversed, you know, depending on whether you're more feminine or masculine energy.
But I'm just trying to make it as simple as possible for you to understand today. So with that in mind, the Meadow Report and the Men Coming Out and Fighting, Going Hunting and Fighting Report is an analogy that Tony Robbins, I think, uses very, very well and explains it very, very succinctly around how women need to come home or wherever they've been and tell you all of the different things that have happened and what's going on. Because that's how women's brains process, then that's how they like to connect and that's how they solve.
Women often solve problems by talking it out.
You'll often be like, how could my wife possibly be on the phone to her friend again? They've spoken yesterday, how could they have anything left to talk about? Women solve by talking things out. Women speak not necessarily to get the solution, but sometimes just saying it and having someone empathize and validate how they're thinking and feeling is enough for their nervous system to calm down. And that's all they needed was to be heard, reassured sometimes, and that was it, and validated for what they're thinking and feeling. Now, obviously, this is not the case with men.
Men usually are like, this is what's happened, that's the end of it. So men, to hold space, you literally are just there. Here is a really key point to know whether your woman is wanting you to hold space or solve a problem. Literally ask the question, are you looking for a solution or are you just looking for my support or are you just looking for me to hold space? Very very key, vital question. Let me repeat it. Are you just looking for a solution or are you looking for me to hold space or show my support? You can shorten it to just hold space if you like. This key question can stop so many arguments, so many things because often a man will jump straight into problem-solving mode because that's how their brain works and it's beautiful and it's wonderful and it's needed, let me be clear. It is a great strength and it's a great skill. However, often the woman just wants to be heard and have their thoughts and feelings validated.
For example, you'd repeat back what they say that makes them feel heard, understood, validated or you say, I imagine that might be so tough for you or so hard for you. That sucks that happened to you today. You're empathizing with them. That's empathizing, yeah? So really, really important to just ask that question and discern. Are they wanting you to hold space or are they wanting you to problem solve?
Once you know that, you can go, okay, maybe take a few deep breaths if your brain normally goes into problem solving mode and go, right, what is it that I need to do today? What is it I need to do in this conversation? Do I need to problem-solve or do I need to listen and hold space? Really, really crucial.
It is something I see that doesn't go right a lot of the time in relationships and it doesn't go right because we're not taught it. No one has ever really explained, you know, before you get married or before you get into relationships how men and women's brains work. No one's ever really explained their needs to you or things like that. So, no judgment, no beating yourself up around this. It is literally just like, okay, great, this is actually something I can tangibly do. I can ask that question, then I could repeat back what was said, and then I could say, I imagine that was so hard for you, it sucks, and, you know, offer that cuddle or reassurance or support and leave it there.
Don't offer a solution. Don't offer, oh, you could have done this, you could have done that, nine times out of ten unless she said she wants a solution. It is just a listening game. It is just an empathizing game. That is all. Often this makes a little to no sense to a man's brain, but I promise you it'll save you going around having to listen to that story 10 times or the frustration that the other person feels because you're just not getting it. You're providing a solution when all I want you to do is listen, yeah?
So this is crucial to really understand, to have a really thriving, healthy, happy relationship or marriage. Comment below, is this something you've come across? Is this something you do in your marriage or relationship already? I would love to know.
Please share this with someone if you got some value from it today, I'd be very grateful. This helps get this information out to more people. Have a wonderful day and now it's your turn to turn your relationship on.
