Welcome to Relationships Turned On. I’m your host, Laura Press, Marriage and Relationship Counsellor. I believe relationships can be fixed and you deserve to have a connected and loving relationship. I give you the tools, strategies and insights so you can have a world class relationship.
Welcome to this episode about the number one hack for conflict resolution that really isn’t talked about. This episode is going to be so tailored to you. I’m going to give you all the tools and the tips and the hacks, how you can take this conflict resolution strategy and put it in place into your relationship.
So often what’s happened is you get like a lot of generic information out there about how to resolve conflicts. And I don’t think I’ve I don’t believe I’ve even spoken about this on the podcast yet. So this is something completely new and it will really, really help move, shift and decrease the amount of conflict and help you resolve things a lot quicker and reach a resolution.
Before we go into that, I actually want to tell you about something that I’m really, really, really excited about. It’s something that I have been wanting to create, wanting to. bring to couples is a luxury retreat on the Sunshine Coast hinterland. I want you to think a romantic getaway meets couples counselling.
And that’s what this retreat is. There’s a lot of intensive help and support to move your relationship forward as well as a lot of R& R, relaxation in your own private cabin with warm croissants delivered to your room daily in the most beautiful and stunning location. Technology free. I mean, pretty much you can get some technology if you want, but there’s pretty much technology free.
So you can. Focus on your relationship. I’ve designed this because what I find couples don’t do is they don’t put aside dedicated time to work on themselves, to reconnect, to rekindle their relationship, to re experience the connection that they once had, to get the love back, to really feel and experience these things, and also to upgrade their tools, work on themselves.
It’s really an amazing experience, I would absolutely love to have you there. There’s only four spots, so it’s a very, very limited places. There’s only four couples. There is an application process because I’m really wanting a really great group there that will work well together.
Just so you know, because I know the main thing everyone always thinks is they’re going to have to share their private information. That is not the case at all. With what I’ve worked in such a way that we come together, we talk about the things together, then you go away individually. And work as a couple and I come around individually.
So no one has to know your individual business and this it’s just such a great experience. Now I could talk about it all day. I’m not going to, there will be more on this coming, but what I want to do is just give you the information. You can go and head to the waitlist, get on the waitlist.
Cause like I said, there’s only four spots available. So I want you to jump on there now. Go to laura press.com au slash retreat. So it’s laura press counseling.com au slash retreats, and the link is in the show notes as well. Now back to our episode today. Quick disclaimer, this is for entertainment and education purposes only.
It should not be considered advice of any kind. The number one hack for conflict resolution. That is so overlooked, is actually looking at your background and looking at your childhood experience. Now stay with me. This gets practical, but I need to give you the quick background first. What happens is we get into conflict, we’re fighting, we’re fighting about the dishes not being done, we’re fighting about all sorts of things, and we often think, how could we be fighting so much, or why are we fighting about this seemingly small stuff, right?
Or why are we fighting about all these random things that realistically, they don’t really matter, or they, why do we fight? It starts off small, but it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Why would we do this? Childhood wounds. In two words, the answer is childhood wounds.
And so, don’t, don’t get worried, I’m not gonna go too, philosophical , on you, but the truth is, is that we get into relationships to meet our unmet childhood needs, right? And often in childhood we don’t feel Like everyone experiences something different, so we might not feel heard, we might not feel appreciated, we might not feel validated, we might not get quality time from the parents that we want.
There are lots of different things that happen, but essentially we have a main core unmet need within us. Some of the core unmet needs could be, fear of abandonment, fear of not being heard, fear of not being valued, fear of not being enough. These kinds of things are usually the underlying current of what’s going on in your conflict today.
Right? Today. And I know you think, well, I’m not a kid anymore. I know. However, there is a small version inside of you that is having the same conflict as what, you know, six year old you may have had. So we all know that our beliefs and all of these different things are formed mostly between zero to seven.
Yes, some are formed through teenagers as well, but most of them are pretty much cemented through them. And so if we don’t feel these things, we don’t feel the safety and security or validated or important, then we look for them in our adult relationships, and we often will even create conflict exactly like it was prior, maybe not exactly, but what we’re used to and familiar with, so we can bring it up to resolve it.
This is obviously unconsciously, no one consciously does this, but all we want. From the other person is to say, I hear you. I see you. You’re important to me. You’re enough. I love you. I’m here. All of these kinds of things. And so this is a really deep seated need. Everybody has one. Yes. There are different levels of where you’re at with healing and restoring, if that makes sense.
So some people might have done a lot of work and a lot of theirs is healing and restored. But what happens is when it’s not, which is a lot of people, most of us, let’s face it, it’s like, it’s present today. So it’s like that unmet need it is present today. It’s in yourselves, it’s activated and something, something going to happen.
That’s slightly similar, similar word. It doesn’t even have to be that similar, but the energy can be similar. Then what happens is we’re triggered in a big way. And then we start being in this conflict, and we start arguing and. Kind of carrying on let’s face it about this unmet need and we’re talking about we might be only fighting about the dishes the kids Lunches or you know why we didn’t spend quality time together last night, but we’re not really fighting about that So if you can when you’re fighting So here are some really great tips when you’re fighting if you take that pause you give yourself a moment And you really think what is a younger version of my partner fighting for right now?
Are they yelling? Are they quiet? These things tell you something. Often when we’re loud, we really, really want to be heard. Like we need to be heard and we feel like we’re not being heard. Often this is a conversation you can have with your partner so you can work through what they really want in that moment.
And if you go back to some past arguments, not that I necessarily recommend doing that, but you can sort of think about them and go, well, from those arguments, really all I wanted you to do was say. I hear you, understand you, I’ve got you. You would be surprised at how many conflicts and arguments can be resolved with one of the people in the relationship saying that.
Other people need the reassurance, the love, the care, I’m here for you, I’ve got you, I’m not going anywhere, like we’re fighting, yes, but I still love you. And so I just want to be super clear with this, when we’re fighting, like present, moment about the dishes. We are fighting a deep seated unmet need from childhood to be heard, understood, important, or validated.
We are fighting so much more than meets the eye in our relationships. And that’s why people say it’s blown out of proportion. And I don’t know why this has happened. It’s because you’re not fighting just about that. You’re fighting about so much more. If you could imagine it, it’s like each person is grappling with and fighting for their need to be met.
And because it feels like to that person, it’s been so long, it could be 20, years of this unmet need. It ramps up and it ramps up and it ramps up until it can be healed. And so more often than not, we’re not listening. We’re not paying attention. We’re not giving our partner presence. It comes very hard to heal then.
And sometimes, it may need the extra outside support to help you move through that. And so what I’m saying is, if you can figure out what your partner’s unmet need is, you can give that to them in a small way. When the time is right during a conflict. . For example, if, they have a fear of abandonment, you can provide reassurance before going into the other thing.
For example, you say, I love you. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. I just want you to know X, Y, Z, or I just feel X, Y, Z. If you know that their main thing is they want to be heard, validated, appreciated. If they want to be heard, repeat back what they’ve said. If they feel a lack of appreciation, really tell them I appreciate X, Y, Z, and be meaningful and specific, and also ask how else could I appreciate you better?
What do you need to know, see, hear, or feel for me to appreciate you more? There’s a lot of different ones. I’m just touching on the main ones, but when you can put this into practice and then use this during a conflict, when you’re trying to resolve a conflict, if you can meet their need, soothe, it’s like soothing, right?
When I say to that person that, has a fear of abandonment that says, it’s okay. I love you. I’m still here. I just want to work through this with you. They’ve got reassurance, their nervous system calms down, their brain goes off high alert. They can now let down their guard, they can connect and relate to you in a different way.
Same thing with all the others, right? It helps their nervous system calm down, it helps them connect with you in a different way. It helps them relate in a different way, which means you’re going to get a different outcome. I say this a few times, often we go straight for the , what dialogue thing can we do?
This one’s two parts, it’s a bit, it’s some dialogue, but it’s also, it’s going to calm your nervous system. It’s going to, help move down, reduce those triggers. It’s going to help process, help you both process what’s going on. And if you notice what’s going to happen is each time you do this, it creates further safety within the communication, within the conflict over the resolution.
It creates further. Understanding, it helps the other person feel safe enough to express what they need to express to move forward. Essentially, healing can occur within these situations, if done correctly. It’s more powerful than meets the eye, and I really encourage you, get a pen and paper, sit down, think, what need is my partner wanting to be met?
Through this, what’s the unmet need here? And ask them, have a conversation. When I was a kid, mum would do this, dad would do that, and then that made me feel like I was XYZ. Unimportant. Unheard. Unappreciated. Right? Like, you can have these conversations with one another because then you can really start fleshing out what’s going on.
You can really start understanding and paring down these conflicts. Like the, it becomes almost in the end, not a bigger need or there becomes the conflicts become a lot smaller and they’re quicker to repair because you’re not as triggered. You’re not in fight and flight. You’re not in full stress response.
I would love to know what you took from this. This is, a short but powerful episode. It is realistically a phenomenal hack. So don’t just listen to this, really do the homework around this because it’ll pay off in a big way in your conflict. And let’s face it, the best couples have conflict.
So it’s not about being conflict free, but it’s about Knowing what you’re both trying to do in a conflict, which is get those unmet needs met. It’s kind of a mouthful when you try and say that. Unmet needs met. Yeah. When you’re trying to get those unmet needs met, it’s, it gives a different perspective. It also enables you to come back and think, Oh, like my partner, weren’t listened to as a child and they just want to be heard.
Okay, that’s what I’m gonna, I can go do that for them. I can just hold space. So I would love for you to share this with someone, subscribe, and leave me a review because this helps. other people in the world to find this information and to start having a more epic, loving and turned on relationship. Also, please don’t forget, go and jump on the wait list.
Like I said, there’s only four spots there. So go to laurapresscounseling. com. au forward slash retreats and jump on the wait list. I can’t wait to see you there.
