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Welcome to Relationships Turned On.
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I’m your host, Laura Press, marriage and relationship counsellor. I believe relationships can be fixed and you deserve to have a connected and loving relationship.
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I give you the tools, strategies and insights so you can have a world-class relationship. Welcome to Relationships Turned On. We’re back to another solo episode, which I’m really excited about because we’re talking about everything to do with ruminating thoughts, intrusive thoughts, what are they and how can you combat them. Before we dive in, quick disclaimer, this is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered medical advice or mental health advice of any kind. Okay, so how do you actually end up with intrusive and ruminating thoughts? Now, there’s a variety of ways but in a nutshell, sometimes a trauma can happen that can create, you can kind of create those feelings of maybe depression, anxiety, stress, high cortisol, all those types of things bundled together, which then leads to ruminating thoughts. Sometimes it can be a trigger, right? So a trigger, something happened in childhood that was a little bit traumatic or upsetting and it creates a trigger within you that it happens, that feels similar in adulthood. And so it doesn’t have to be the same thing, but your physiology and your brain recognises it as being quite similar, it triggers you again, and then you can kind of be back in that ruminating intrusive thought space. Okay? So that’s just in a nutshell and a generalisation, right? It can be slightly different for everyone. Now what are intrusive thoughts? unhelpful, negative, often really self-deprecating, sometimes even mean or nasty or just extremely negative. So, often things like, there’s no solution, there’s no good outcome, there’s no way out of this, I’m no good, I’m not worth anything, I’m not enough, the list can be endless. And when we say these things to ourselves for a long enough period of time, you start believing them. And especially if you grab that thought and you start identifying with it, which is really where the problem lies, when you identify that thought as being you, one thought does not make you. Let me repeat that. One or two, even three, even ten thoughts does not mean they are you. And that is the thing we need to separate them out. You can have all sorts of thoughts. I could have a random fleeting thought one day about one thing, maybe saying, I’m not enough. But that doesn’t make me inherently not enough. That is a sporadic thought that I’m choosing not to latch onto, right? Because it’s not inherently true. Sometimes we have moments of weakness or something doesn’t go our way and then we start to think these things. And that’s okay if we think and let them move through and just let them go. But when we attach ourselves to them, then they become a part of our identity. And then we start working from that space of, for example, I’m not enough. And when we work from that space of I’m not enough, you can create a whole lot of things in your life that you really, really are not looking for. So often we, what we look, you know, what we, you know, the saying, what we appreciate appreciates, it’s kind of the same thing is that if you, if it’s what you’re speaking over yourself and what you’re constantly saying and putting into your brain, that ends up being your reality. That is very often reflected in your world. And so that’s why it is so important to look at any of these thoughts and to flip them on their head. So let’s get there to the practical, what can you actually do? So I already touched on number one and number one is do not identify with your thoughts. Number two is to delete the thought. So you can say, I’ve got thoughts rushing around and I see it and I just go, delete, delete, delete, not welcome here, delete. Okay, that’s a practice. So all of these things are a practice. So you need to do them over and over and over again, and you get better and you remember. And the intrusive thoughts can slow down over time. The next one is waves washing over you. So you can see the thought, feel the thought, or whatever, and you see it, and you just imagine it. Come, yeah, here’s the thought, and then it washes over, and then it goes away. The important part of that is that you’re releasing it, you’re not holding onto it. The next one is deep breathing. Just breathe, release, and go back to your heart space and what’s the truth of the matter. Okay, so you can breathe in for a count of five, slight hold, breathe out for a count of three. Really, really useful. Exercise, get moving. So getting into your body is a great way to get out of your brain and out of your head, and daily exercise really should be a part of anybody’s positive mental health plan because it just does so many things. I’m not even going to list, and you know by now there’s so much information out there about it. Get moving, it decreases your cortisol, it gets you into your body, gets you out of your brain, stops those intrusive thoughts or at least slows them down so you can actually get a handle of maybe using the other things I’ve just spoken about to stop those thoughts. Now, this one I really like. It’s actually naming this voice. So, Melissa Ambrosini talks about having a good girl or a bad boy or a bad girl. And what that means is she’s just talking about naming that thought that comes through. And so the thought is, you know, I’m not enough. And it’s like, oh, there’s Stephanie, she’s being not nice right now. And you can name it something silly or a person’s name, someone that, just a name, so you detach it from you. So you go, ha ha, there’s that thought, that’s Stephanie, that’s not me, right? When you do that, it’s just a way of mentally detaching. If you can make it funny, it was great because you detach even more, you have that humor around it. But you can see that thought and go, thank you, your opinion is not welcome here and just let it go. Very helpful. Be your own best friend. How do you be your own best friend? Well, your own best friend doesn’t tell you that you’re ugly or not enough or not worthy enough. Your own best friend, if it’s a good best friend, is telling you that you’ve got it, you’re worthy, you can do this, you’re enough, you’re loved, you’re beautiful, you’re strong, all of these amazing things and that is where you need to be your own best friend. So if you hear those comments, you can flip them and reframe them. So I’m not enough to, I am definitely enough in whatever space or in every area of life or I’m ugly to, I’m beautiful. Now this is a practice and this is a habit and you won’t need to use all of these ones I’ve given you, but sometimes one suits a person better than another. That’s why I’ve given you many, so I want you to try them on for size, see what works for you, and practice it. So don’t expect that the first or second or even the third time it’s like a magic bullet. It takes time to get this as a practice and a habit, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the more you do it, the less you have those ruminating thoughts. Now, if you don’t address these ruminating thoughts, it can be, they can turn into really destructive things. Okay? That’s why it’s so important. You do need to seek professional help around this because they can get a hold on you if you’re not doing all the right things. Just a side note for this, the standard things apply here, like good sleep, good hydration, good rest, good exercise, all those things are imperative and often you’ll find someone’s not sleeping when they’re having these intrusive, ruminating thoughts. Thank you so much for listening. I’d love for you to let me know what you got from this episode. Please feel free to leave a comment and I’d really appreciate it if you left a review so more people can find this information. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening.
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